Anxious Attachment: Self-Sabotaging Romance

Growing the Roots of Attachment 

A child hides behind his mother’s leg, crying and tugging on her jeans, begging her to stay with him. She gently pulls him off of her, and guides him into the classroom with all of the other students who are now in the caring hands of the teacher. The child is clearly in distress, now wailing and screaming loudly as his mother walks away. The teacher tries to calm him down by rubbing his back and offering him toys, but it seems as if nothing will soothe this anxious child. This is a common experience for many young children when they are first separated from their parents and sent off to school - and most children grow out of this issue. However, if this display of extreme anxiety persists as the child grows older, it can be a telltale sign of having anxious attachment.[1]

Anxious attachment is one of the four attachment styles: secure, avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized. Developing at a young age, anxious attachment style can carry on into adulthood, at various degrees. A few important signs/symptoms in a child include:[2] 

• Severe distress when separated from caregivers

• Fear of strangers

• Extreme clinginess to caregivers

• Little desire for exploration for the environment around them

• Behaviors of aggression

Although the anxious attachment style is more easily visible in infants and children (due to their higher likelihood of displaying adverse reactions) it exists in adults, as well. Adult attachment is important to investigate in romantic relationships, as one’s attachment style  impacts how they think, act and feel.[3]

Forming Attachment: Nature vs. Nurture? 

Attachment forms regardless of one’s gender.[4] To understand the basis of anxious attachment, the evolutionary perspective can be applied; the instinctive reason why children feel an intense desire to stay close to their parents is because children are vulnerable and seek protection, especially when distressed. Protection by their caregiver increases chances of survival (which is the fundamental basis of natural selection) causing the genes coding for this anxious attachment style to be passed onto future generations.[5]

However, anxious attachment is not solely a product of genetics and evolutionary patterns - it is also affected by environment and interpersonal relationships in an individual’s life. For example, a caregiver who is consistently neglectful towards a child will likely induce feelings of stress in the child. This neglect may be displayed by the caregiver as turning away and ignoring the child when he/she cries for comfort or attention. If the child’s emotional needs are persistently failing to be met, it may cause them to develop an anxious attachment style; this can continue later into life and project on their romantic relationships, as well.[6]

How an individual is treated by others, especially in a time of stress, has a serious impact on the attitudes and expectations they carry into the rest of their lives. If a child has been conditioned to learn that when they are upset, they cannot count on their caregiver for support, they may develop an anxious attachment style. This type of insecure attachment style could have been avoided if the caregiver had more quickly and reliably attended to the crying child. Being able to count on their caregiver for assurance and comfort allows for the formation of a secure attachment style. 

In these examples, the caregiver serves as a working model for the child. A “working model” is a significant person (e.g., a parent, friend or romantic partner) who shows various levels of responsiveness to an individual’s extreme desire for comfort and support in interactions. The working model also includes one’s self, and how they themselves respond themselves to others when they desire closeness. Working models guide an individual's future attitudes and expectations towards relationships (especially during stressful times) based on how they have been responded to in the past. Thus, working models shape an individual’s type of attachment style.[7]

Attachment in Romantic Relationships

As we grow into adults, insecure attachment styles can divide into one of two main categories in a romantic relationship: avoidant and anxious. Avoidant adults tend to hold more negative views of their romantic partners, and value the maintenance of independence and autonomy in their relationships. They generally act this way because they have internally decided that seeking further proximity/closeness to their romantic partner is not possible or not desirable.[8] They are overall less interested in their relationships, and maintain psychological and emotional independence from their partners. They do not feel as comfortable with having closeness and emotional intimacy.[9]

Conversely, anxious adults tend to be very invested in their romantic relationships, and want to be emotionally and physically close to their partner to avoid worry and feel more secure. Anxious individuals tend to worry that their partner will reject or abandon them. Due to the deep-rooted distress from childhood, causing them to question the availability of their caregivers, highly anxious individuals strongly question whether they can count on their partner’s presence. For this reason, they often heavily crave a lot of support, emotional intimacy, and reassurance.[10] 

Anxious adults will hold more negative views of themselves, and more positive views of their partner. They tend to feel underappreciated or highly distressed and worry that they cannot depend on their partner or that their partner will leave them. Their partner leaving would lead them to question their own worth. Anxious individuals will also use unfavorable coping strategies to react to chronic distress they feel regarding the security in their romantic relationships; this ironically can lead to a less stable and less satisfying relationship. Gender differences do not necessarily impact whether an individual will display more avoidant or anxious attachment styles, and their potential relationship outcomes.[11] 

Signs of anxious attachment style in adults that reflect in their romantic relationships include:[12]

• Constant worry that their partner will leave them

• Extreme distress when separated from their partner

• Needing constant reassurance 

• Hypersensitive to rejection 

• High sensitivity and emotional reactivity to partner’s actions 

• Negative self-view compared to a much more positive view of partner

• Very afraid of being alone 

• Overanalyzing minor events/words/actions

• Intensifying degree of relationship-threatening cues

Ending the Cycle of Self-Sabotage

If you are experiencing anxious attachment, and it is negatively affecting your relationships by causing high levels of distress and worry, there are many ways you can learn to self-soothe and heal, to develop a more secure attachment style. It is important to recognize that distance/separation from your partner, or the uncertainty of the future, is not actually a reason to be emotionally distressed. It is important to start perceiving yourself, your partner and your relationship more positively, rather than negatively, and actmore constructively. To help learn these steps, a licensed mental health provider (e.g., psychotherapist) can guide someone through cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) which teaches these evidence-based methods.

This control of emotions and thoughts is known as self-regulation. Calming oneself during moments of internal distress can be achieved by activities such as exercise, walks, taking deep breaths, journaling and meditation. In the long run, however, anxious individuals must work on creating a better self-image and creating healthy boundaries for themselves. Finding hobbies and things you enjoy doing, pursuing them, and building a positive self-image though that can be extremely beneficial to healing your anxious attachment and overbearing need for external support from a partner. It is vital to learn to be content with yourself, and only pursue healthy relationships to avoid the internal stressors associated with an anxious attachment style.[13] 

To reduce the distress one may experience when they desire greater intense proximity to a romantic partner, one must actively use coping strategies to avoid needing constant reassurance and support. This is because if this constant intense desire for proximity and support is met by a romantic partner, the anxious attachment system stays activated, continuing the cycle of distress and fear of rejection in a relationship. Actively breaking away from the cycle and deactivating the anxious attachment system requires one to tire of needing constant physical and emotional proximity. It is also crucial for one to actively begin viewing their partner’s actions and words in a more positive light during stressful times. This will help avoid the anxious anticipation of the worst-case outcome in every situation.[14]

Negative views and attributions towards a romantic partner due to the anxious attachment style decreases relationship satisfaction. These negative perceptions also feed into the cycle of anxious attachment. The only way to overcome this is to self regulate and manage internal stressors to cope with stressful events within one’s relationship. These pessimistic attributions may also be linked to higher cortisol levels in the anxious partner, especially after discussing a conflict. This physiological stress is not only detrimental to one’s health, but can also reflect in the overall relationship satisfaction of both individuals. This is because the attachment behaviors of one partner will affect the other as well, in terms of their behavior and level of relationship satisfaction.[15]

The actor-partner interdependence model (APIM) was implemented by Kimmes et al. (2015) to understand the relationship between one partner’s attributions and the other partner’s relationship satisfaction over time. The results of this study showed a significant negative association between pessimistic attributions of one partner and the relationship satisfaction level of the other. This data indicates that the attributions which stem from anxious attachment from one partner negatively affects relationship satisfaction in the other, emphasizing the importance of overcoming anxious attachment to achieve a more stable and satisfactory romantic relationship.[16]

If you feel you are suffering from an anxious attachment style and it is negatively impacting your relationships, a licensed mental health professional (e.g., a psychotherapist, psychologist or psychiatrist) can offer guidance and support.

Contributed by: Ananya Udyaver

Editor: Jennifer (Ghahari) Smith, Ph.D.

References

1 Evans, O. G. (2023, June 8). Anxious attachment style: Signs in adults, how it develops & How to Cope. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/anxious-attachment-style.html#Signs-in-Children 

2 Ibid. 

3 Simpson, J. A., & Steven Rholes, W. (2017, February). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current opinion in psychology. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4845754/ 

4 Ibid.

5 Ibid.

6 Ibid.

7 Ibid.

8 Evans, O. G. (2023, June 8)

9 Campbell, L., & Marshall, T. (2011, February 7). Anxious attachment and relationship processes: An Interactionist Perspective. Journal of Personality. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2011.00723.x  

10 Ibid

11 Ibid.

12 Simpson, J. A., & Steven Rholes, W. (2017, February).

13 Campbell, L., & Marshall, T. (2011, February 7)

14 Kimmes, J. G., Durtschi, J. A., Clifford, C. E., Knapp, D. J., & Fincham, F. D. (2015). The role of pessimistic attributions in the association between anxious attachment and relationship satisfaction. Family Relations, 64(4), 547–562. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12130  

15 Ibid.

16 Ibid.

Improving Couple Dynamics Through Relationship Therapy

How Relationships and Therapy Met

Couples therapy originated in Germany in the 1930s, when three clinics opened to service married couples experiencing difficulties adhering to traditional gender roles.[1] The clinics were service- and education-oriented as the closest aspect to theory at this time were ideas borrowed from psychoanalysis. While most of this therapy was conducted as individual sessions, some therapists began experimenting with conjoint sessions in 1931.[2] Between 1963 and 1985, family therapy became popular, sparking theoretical ideas to explain couple and family dynamics. Notably, Bowen (1954) founded a multigenerational approach to family therapy to explain the differentiation, triangulation, and projection processes within a family.[3] Since 1986, couples therapy has been condensed, tested, refined, and retested by analyzing new theories such as Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and Solution-Focused Therapy. Presently, the theories utilized in couples therapy have shown empirical support for treating depression, anxiety, alcoholism, among other mental health issues.[4]

Common Conflict Dynamics

Each individual that makes up a romantic relationship has their own assumptions about what “being a couple” means. Tensions are likely to rise in a relationship as differences between each individual’s expectations occur. A common issue resolved in couples therapy is the feeling of a loss of autonomy for each person involved.[5] For some, monumental life experiences (e.g., moving in together, having a child, and pursuing new career opportunities), can magnify anxieties about losing one’s identity. Wachtel (2017) notes that to bridge the gap between different motivations and desires in a relationship, a balance must be established to accommodate each person’s identity in a relationship.[6] Gehrke (2022) underlines the importance of establishing ways to relate to one another in a relationship by recommending that, “Couples should have hobbies both individually and together to see where priorities lie in a relationship.”[7] Individuality in a relationship is important for maintaining a sense of self, however, it is also essential to understand and support one’s partner by showing an interest in their hobbies, as well.

Couples commonly experience issues regarding the lack of feeling loved and valued by one another. Additional conflict dynamics can be embedded in dissatisfactions or disappointments regarding the amount of quality time spent together in a relationship. As Wachtel explains, if one partner is unhappy with the amount of time their spouse spends working, it can lead to feelings of resentment and insecurity.[8] In certain cases, attachment issues and expressions of love can be side topics that surround the main, focal issues that bring couples to therapy. Significant issues such as extramarital affairs and volatile occurrences are among the more severe issues couples can work through in therapy, and typically require more work to unravel the basis for these troubles.[9]

A popular approach used in therapy for understanding and resolving conflict between couples is the Gottman Method. Gottman and Gottman (1980) determined four conflict styles that can predict the breakdown of a romantic relationship with 93% accuracy.[10] Known as the “Four Horsemen” of conflict, these styles include:[11]  

• Criticism - Attacking one’s core character versus offering a critique or expressing a complaint. Due to the harmful nature of criticism, it can lead to feelings of contempt towards an overly critical partner.

• Contempt - Occurs when one is disrespected, ridiculed, or mocked with sarcasm in a relationship with the goal of putting one down. Gottman and Gottman (2022) note that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce and must be eliminated when present in a relationship.

• Defensiveness - A common response to criticism that reverses blame onto the partner who is asking a question or expressing concern. For example, a partner expresses their concern with their spouse not helping around the house and is met with a response that blames the expressor. Instead of blaming others, one should take responsibility for their actions and try to remedy the situation moving forward.

• Stonewalling - A response to contempt that involves a hurt partner withdrawing from the interaction, shutting down, or simply ceasing all response to the other partner.

Theories and Modalities

Couples who seek out therapy have their own unique issues and situations that need to be worked through, and there are numerous approaches that can be utilized during couples therapy. Four well-known and effective methods include: psychodynamic; humanistic; behavioral; and integrative.[12,13] 

• Psychodynamic - This counseling technique was developed from the research and findings of Sigmund Freud; it is used to understand one’s conscious and unconscious needs and desires. 

• Humanistic - This approach is based on one’s response to life experiences, and aims to explore thoughts and feelings to reach solutions.

• Behavioral - This method is based on the idea that one’s environment has a direct influence on one’s behavior. Behavioral counselors are taught that behavior is learned, and therefore, can be unlearned. 

• Integrative - This approach uses methods from each of the afore-mentioned three types of approaches as a combination to resolve conflict.  

It is crucial for a therapist to become familiar with a couple’s unique situation and issues before choosing the best approach to utilize with them. 

What to Expect in Couples Therapy

When first meeting a therapist, a couple can expect to provide an oral history of the relationship such as how you met, memories of dating, and experiences of becoming parents (if applicable). An oral history helps the therapist to understand the journey that a couple has been through together so far.[14] Additionally, each individual will meet with the therapist separately to “vent” about issues without having to filter thoughts for the other partner. This practice is not done to keep secrets from one another, but to build a relationship with the therapist one-on-one as well as share worries and hopes for what therapy can accomplish.[15] 

A classic and well-researched activity to try in couples therapy involves “mutual eye-gazing”. A study at Clark University in Worcester, Massachusetts (1989) found a significant increase in feelings of mutual attraction and passion among 72 couples that engaged in eye-gazing for only 2 minutes.[16] Empirical research suggests that prolonged eye contact encourages one’s nervous system to release oxytocin which is associated with bonding and attachment. In addition, the neurotransmitter phenylethylamine was noted to increase feelings of interpersonal attraction after prolonged eye contact.[17] Relationship and sex therapists often recommend extended eye-gazing for couples that feel alienated from one another or those who hope to strengthen intimacy. 

Generally, couple’s can expect to gain various skills in therapy, including communication skills and coping skills to manage stress. Licensed marriage and family therapist, Moshe Ratson, found that couples therapy assisted himself and his wife to deal with fears, expectations, anger, and passive-aggressive behaviors.[18] Specifically, Ratson learned how to recognize triggers that brought up negative emotions and distressing memories. Moreover, couple’s therapy taught Ratson and his wife to replace blame with compassion and how to be proactive instead of reactive.[19] Coping skills like proactiveness and compassion help couples to understand one another instead of blaming each other when topics of conflict arise.

When couples experience long-term issues in relationship dynamics, steps should be taken to reduce such negative experiences by contacting a licensed mental health professional for further guidance.

Contributed by: Tori Steffen

Editor: Jennifer (Ghahari) Smith, Ph.D.

References

1 Niolon. (2011). The History of Marital Therapy. PsychPage.  http://www.psychpage.com/family/history_of_couples_therapy.html

2 Ibid. 

3 Ibid. 

4 Ibid. 

5 Wachtel, E. (2017). The Heart of Couple Therapy : Knowing What to Do and How to Do It. The Guilford Press.

6 Ibid.

7 Gehrke, G. (2022). Interview with Certified Personal Trainer and Wellness Coach on Relationship Therapy.

8 Wachtel (2017)

9 Ibid.

10 Moore, M. (2022, February 24). 4 relationship behaviors that often lead to divorce. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/blog/predicting-divorce-the-four-horsemen-of-the-apocalpyse#:~:text=John%20Gottman's%20Four%20Horsemen%20are,help%20you%20take%20proactive%20steps.

11 Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2022). Why Gottman Method Couples Therapy? The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/students/

12 BetterHelp. (2022). 6 common counseling approaches in couples therapy and how they can help your relationship. ReGain. https://www.regain.us/advice/counseling/6-common-counseling-approaches-in-couples-therapy-and-how-they-can-help-your-relationship/

13 Ibid.

14 McNeil, D. (2023). What to expect when you go to couples therapy. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-to-expect-when-you-go-to-couples-therapy/  

15 Ibid.

16 Lancaster, V. (2021). Why gazing into a partner's eyes boosts intimacy and sexual pleasure. Psychology Today. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/202108/why-gazing-partner-s-eyes-boosts-intimacy-and-sexual-pleasure  

17 Ibid.

18 Ratson, M. (2017). 6 critical things marriage counseling taught me. HuffPost. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/6-critical-things-marriag_b_13134268  

19 Brenner, B. (2022). What to expect from Couples Counseling. Therapy Group of NYC. https://nyctherapy.com/therapists-nyc-blog/what-to-expect-from-couples-counseling/  

Revamping the Conversation on Love Languages

“What’s your love language?” is a Pigeonhole

As a quick and simple way to try and glean compatibility or greater understanding of another, it has become trendy to ask people the question, “What’s your love language?” In order to talk about love languages in a way that builds deeper connection and understanding, the question we should really be asking is “Which love languages do you speak and what is your favorite to communicate in?” Investigating the interactive patterns we fall into as a society allows us to identify areas in which we can strengthen the quality of our relationships and our overall health and well-being.[1-3]

The love languages so ubiquitously recognized today were introduced in 1992 by a Southern Baptist Pastor, Gary Chapman, who wrote mostly for an audience of married Christian couples. What has been lost from Chapman’s original texts as his book rose to widespread fame, is his urging toward learning to communicate in other people’s love languages.[4]

There are several issues with the way in which people broach the contemporary conversation about love languages, starting with the oversimplicity of the well-known question: “What’s your love language?” People often feel compelled to answer with one-- maybe two-- of the five options:[5] 

• Quality time 

• Acts of service 

• Physical touch 

• Words of affirmation 

• Gift giving  

As a result of having to identify one singular language, their significant others may begin expressing affection in one singular way; a pigeonhole effect emerges and context is no longer considered. This is a loss because the way in which we communicate and behave is always impacted by our context; so, the way in which we each want to receive love probably shifts depending on circumstances, too.

A Tangent on Gift Giving

Of the five popularized love languages, it’s often most unpopular to say that one’s love language is gift giving-- it can sound shallow, frivolous, and meaningless. In actuality, gift giving is as legitimate and communicative a love language as any other. Gift giving does not have to mean your loved ones are running out to buy you a new watch or the latest iPhone, slapping a bow on it, and declaring your need for love fulfilled. Gift giving can look like your mom going grocery shopping, stumbling upon a new item that has candied almonds-- your favorite-- and buying them because she’s excited to make your day better. It can look like your roommate remembering that you mentioned you needed new sheets and then ordering them for you in your favorite color because they know you’re too stressed to deal with that yourself right now. And, it could be your partner picking up the latest iphone, putting a bow on it, and giving it to you because your current phone battery doesn’t last more than two hours. 

Gift giving can be incredibly thoughtful, nurturing, connecting, and kind. It shows that you’re alive in people’s minds and hearts even when you’re not physically together; it shows that they were thinking of you and wanted you to feel their care, so they bought something to symbolize their desire for your happiness and wellbeing. Shankar Vedantam, the host of the Hidden Brain podcast, interviewed Jeff Galak (a Professor of Marketing at Carnegie Mellon University) about the secret of gift giving. Galak shared that he and his wife have kept an ongoing google doc for 12 years with items they’d like to one day receive or acquire. With this list, they eliminate the guessing inherent in much of our gift giving norms and are empowered to reliably purchase gifts for each other with complete certainty it will make the other happy. Galak reports success with this method, as neither joy nor surprise are extinguished as a consequence to explicitly recording what they want.[6]

The Multiplicity of Expression

Some people do not find it comforting to have a hand on their back when feeling sad. They may also find it irritating or unpleasant to hug others. That’s okay. Physical touch is generally not how they like to receive or show care. Some people have an extremely difficult time accepting compliments or do not feel supported by verbal validation. Words of affirmation probably tend to fall flat for them. Some people find that the bedrock of a good relationship is to have time together where both parties are fully present and undistracted by screens (i.e., quality time)… and also need physical touch and acts of service to feel seen and cared for. For many, there isn’t as clear a distinction between the categories as their different labels might imply. As an example, some people might define quality time as time spent cuddling or touching. Some of the languages might overlap or be part and parcel of each other. 

There also exist people who feel comfortable and capable of communicating love in any and all of the five Chapman ways. The manner in which they choose to express themselves on a given day or in a given moment can depend on their mood, energy levels, financial situation, and who they are with. To ask a person, “What is your love language?” is to force that person to place the five options into a hierarchical ranking that fails to capture the complexity of the ways that person likes to receive and spread love. The question compels someone to have to select a single method of expressing love (out of an actual multitude of nuanced ways) above the rest. By having to whittle away the rich and important aspects of communicating love in order to give the questioner an extremely digestible response, with which they are likely using to simply sprinkle more of into the relationship, all of the depth and potential for greater understanding of one another is lost. 

A Richer Conversation

Therefore, it is extremely limiting to ask someone to identify their one love language. Due to the fact that there are people who are versed in multiple languages and find joy in some, most, or all of the five (however that looks for them), more illuminating and exploratory avenues of conversation would be:

• The languages expressed around them growing up; what languages did they learn from their parents/ caregivers?

• Which situations do they prefer an emphasis on one language over another? 

• Which languages, if any, they struggle to feel safe or seen in; do any just never resonate?

• Which languages, if any, do they want to learn or are trying to become more fluent in?

• Which ones they like to receive more than give, or give more than receive (potential follow up question: how did that unidirectionality come to be?)

The Question About Love Languages Is Merely a Starting Point

While it makes sense that people would assume utility in the love language question as a concrete determinant of compatibility, research findings have been mixed. Ashley Fetters, a former staff writer at The Atlantic, explains that “If you sit down and read Chapman’s book, it’s clear that the love language you’re meant to think about isn’t your own, but your partner’s.”[7] The rushed way in which people discuss love languages today reflects an intention to find a partner with the same language, or at least to find someone willing to communicate in their preferred ones. We have lost sight of Chapman’s mission in having this conversation-- which was to learn how to express love in the language of the other-- in order to expedite the process of assessing compatibility. One study that tested the hypothesis that couples with the same love language would report higher relationship satisfaction found that self-regulatory behaviors had a greater impact on relationship satisfaction than having aligned languages.[8]

The ambiguity of the five terms also typically goes un-probed and assumed; what does “quality time” or “words of affirmation” even mean, if not explicated on an individual and personal level? By accepting an interlocutor’s answer at face value, one is projecting their own definition of those phrases onto the other, without learning what it means to them. A simple remedy for that is to ask the follow up question: What does that mean to you?/ What does that look like for you? Asking another about love language(s) is useful as a starting point, rather than as a conclusion. 

The various styles in which we crave tenderness also begs a bigger conversation about the importance of relying on community for love and support, rather than just one’s primary partner. It can be burdensome, unrealistic, and unsustainable to expect one’s romantic partner to fulfill all of one’s needs. Love languages are relevant not just to the romantic realm, but the platonic and familial realms as well. Communication and expression are requisite for building and maintaining strong relationships while nurturing good mental health. The ways in which we give and receive love impact all relationships, and therefore are worthy of consideration in a much more expanded and thoughtful sense than society currently does.

Contributed by: Maya Hsu

Editor: Jennifer (Ghahari) Smith, Ph.D.

REFERENCES

1 Canavello, A. & Crocker, J. (2010). Creating good relationships: Responsiveness, Relationship Quality, and Interpersonal Goals. Journal of personality and social psychology, 99(1), 78-106. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0018186

2 Downs, V. C. & Javidi, M. (2009). Linking communication motives to loneliness in the lives of older adults: An empirical test of interpersonal needs and gratifications. Journal of Applied Communication Research 18(1), 32-48. https://doi.org/10.1080/00909889009360313

3 Yanguas, J., Pinazo-Henandis, S., & Tarazona-Santabalbina, F. J. (2018). The complexity of loneliness. Acta bio-medica: Atenei Parmensis, 89(2), 302-314. https://doi.org/10.23750/abm.v89i2.7404

4 Fetter, A. (2017). It isn’t about your love language; it’s about your partner’s. The Atlantic, https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/10/how-the-five-love-languages-gets-misinterpreted/600283/

5 Chapman, G. D. (1995). The five love languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Northfield Publishing. 

6 Vedantam, S. (Host). (2022). The secret to gift giving [Audio podcast episode]. In Hidden Brain. NPR. https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/the-secret-to-gift-giving/

7 Fetter, A. (2017)

8 Bunt, S. & Hazelwood, Z. J. (2017). Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self-regulation, and relationship satisfaction. Personal Relationships 24(2), 280-290. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12182