Seattle Therapist Discusses Shame and Anti-Racism Work
A guest post by Tina Alvarado, LMFT
ABSTRACT
We, as White people, need to work on building up our shame resilience as a way to continue to engage in dismantling White Supremacy. The lives of Black, Indigenous, and People of Color (BIPOC) depend on it. It is normal and okay to have hard feelings come up as you confront the White Supremacy you have internalized. Follow the steps explained below to increase your tolerance of these uncomfortable feelings so that you can remain steadfast in your anti-racism work.
INTRODUCTION
As a White Latina and a psychotherapist, I see one of my roles in anti-racism work as supporting other White and White-passing people in exploring their racial identity, privilege, and the role they play in systems of oppression.
I have noticed a lot of the same themes come up in therapy sessions over the past two weeks as my White clients are responding to a new-found urgency to explore their Whiteness. The purpose of this post is to gather them in one place and share them here in the hopes that it will help other White and White-passing people in their process.
Below, you will find seven steps that White people can take to help them prevent shame from getting in the way of their anti-racism work. Let this be a starting-off point for conversation and action. I, myself, am excited to engage with others around it as I continue to do my own work.
Dear White People
I want to address something that often gets in the way of our work when it comes to confronting and addressing the ways that we have internalized, participated in, and contributed to White Supremacy: SHAME. Specifically, to use a term coined by Dr. Brene Brown, low shame resilience.
It is common to experience shame when we are confronting something we have done that contradicts our values or calls attention to a blind spot that we have had. Having a low shame resilience means having a hard time moving through experiences of shame. You are likely get stuck or immobilized by it. Sometimes we approach shame like it's the boogey monster: don’t talk about it, don't think about it, avoid it at all costs and maybe it'll go away. Sometimes we get stuck in a shame spiral and can't seem to find our way out.
Shame does not have to be so scary
In fact, it is partly this response to shame that makes it feel so bad. The action urge associated with shame is hiding, it causes us to isolate and move away. Shame, just like any other emotional state, exists for a reason. It has been evolutionarily effective. We are communal people and as such want to avoid anything that disconnects us from our community. Historically, to be disconnected from our people meant that we would not survive (think about the animal that gets separated from the pack and is vulnerable to prey).
Present-day, that is not our reality. For the most part, especially if you are white/cis/able-bodied/straight, to be separated from your group is not a threat to survival. The emotional toll of being separated from relationship and connection does have a detrimental effect on our mental and emotional well-being, but that is a topic for another time. The need to be connected is still biologically hard-wired into us. We still feel shame.
The function of shame is to tell us when we have done something that violates our own values or our community's values. However, shame becomes a problem when it starts to control us. We can easily get fixated on how to avoid it. This fixation can send us into a shame spiral or keep us stuck.
Shame is also a problem when we get repeated "false positives.” This is when we feel shameful about something that we do not actually need to feel shameful about. False positives can happen with respect to our sexuality, our sexual orientation, the moments in which we confront racism, and so on. When this happens, we need to ask ourselves what forces are conspiring to generate the false positive. In the previous examples it would be: a sex-negative culture, a hetero-normative culture, a culture of White Supremacy. When we are able to successfully reflect on and identify the sources of these false positives, the shame no longer has to be personal. We can overcome, in certain respects, this experience of ourselves as bad or wrong. We can come to see that our shame is just another emotional state that indicates to us that there is something for us to learn.
When we say that there is no room to center white peoples' feelings in anti-racism work, we do not mean "don't have feelings." Of course, you are going to have feelings. You are coming up against blind spots and re-orienting to all the things that White Supremacy has hidden or distorted in order to maintain power (e.g., most of the history coursework in this country centers White people and White experiences almost exclusively). What we mean is that your feelings should not be taking center stage. Your White experience(s) should not be distracting from the experiences of People of Color. This is about how you impact People of Color, not about how they impact you.
However, you do need to process your feelings. If you get stuck in your feelings or are unable to let yourself become emotionally transformed by this work, you will be ineffective in creating real change for People of Color. Keep in mind that while we White people are experiencing emotional discomfort when we choose (note: this is privilege) to engage in anti-racism work — BIPOC are losing their lives when we do not.
What do you do if you are struggling with hard feelings as you learn about your role in White Supremacy? You increase your shame resilience.
How to increase shame resilience in anti-racism work:
1. Acknowledge that a hard feeling is coming up.
2. Get curious about this hard feeling. Do you have a name for it? Sometimes it helps to give it a label. Other times naming it is more trouble than it's worth, but you can still describe it.
3. Notice what it feels like in your body when you have this hard feeling or what urges come up for you. For example, do you have the urge to hide or to justify and defend yourself? Noticing this is important because it will help you recognize this hard feeling more quickly in the future. It will also help you practice mindfully responding to your feelings so that you can choose what is the most effective course of action.
4. Ask yourself: what is there for me to learn about this hard feeling? What is it that I already know? How can I connect these things?
5. What is the most effective next step that aligns with my goal of dismantling racist systems and the value I recognize in supporting and centering BIPOC lives and experiences?
6. Do that thing.
7. Be kind to yourself and take a deep breath (we will talk more about kindness below).
At any point in these steps, talk to other White people who are doing anti-racism work and continue doing your research about BIPOC lived experiences. After all, one of the ways shame functions is it keeps us silent and shame THRIVES in silence. This silence really serves White Supremacy because it means the system does not have to change.
Example
Reading an article about the importance of contributing funds to anti-racism advocacy work led by Black folks brought a tightness in my stomach. What is there for me to learn about that response? It feels closely tied to the messages about "protecting your hard earned money" or "pull yourself up" or the capitalist idea that there isn't enough to go around. That's uncomfortable to admit. But I know that those messages are actually untrue and rooted in the systems I am trying to dismantle … so I can say “look, there is my internalized White Supremacy showing up again.”
My urge is to hoard my money. Yet I am aware that this urge is not aligned with the value I recognize in supporting BIPOC lives and in dismantling the systems that falsely say that their lives are less important than mine. How can I, for the sake of living in accordance with my values, act in opposition to this urge? Considering this question in earnest could lead to a flash of insight and to moral clarity. For example: I realize that what I must do is choose to donate to this organization that works for racial justice and is led by a Black Queer person. I will also pay attention to when I have this feeling again so that I can look for more opportunities to un-learn and re-learn.
A note on being kind to yourself
It is important to be kind to yourself. It is a myth that the only way to motivate ourselves is to bully ourselves or be mean to ourselves. This myth is, as you might have guessed, rooted in a number of different interlocking systems of oppression (another topic for another time).
It is important to be aware that kindness is different from politeness or nice-ness. Politeness or nice-ness values intention over impact and says: "it's ok, I know you were trying and that is enough." True kindness, on the other hand, is not afraid to name a hard truth and call us up into our own potential to do better. It takes ownership over the impact and seeks growth. True kindness says: "I know you were trying and you missed the mark. That's ok because we are all human and we all make mistakes. It makes sense that you're feeling something hard right now. Let's look at what you need to do to repair (if possible), what there is for you to learn, and what you can do differently next time.”
SUMMARY
If you truly want to work for sustainable change to shift the system so that Black folks and POC are no longer bearing the brunt (READ: DYING), you MUST be willing to build the shame resilience necessary to work through your hard feelings and keep them from immobilizing you. The steps enumerated above are just ONE way of doing it. This will take time. It is not a quick fix, but it is necessary for the marathon of work it will take to dismantle the systems that value White lives over BIPOC lives.
Do not let your shame get in the way of learning and doing better.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tina Alvarado, LMFT is an individual and relationship therapist who provides telehealth services to clients in Seattle and throughout Washington state. As a Mexican-American clinician rooted in systems theory, she specializes in identifying and exploring the practical, relational, and psychological impacts of the systems at play in our lives. With expertise in food/body issues, healing attachment wounds, and increasing emotional intimacy she helps millennial clients develop more satisfying connections with themselves and others.
ADDENDUM
As mentioned above, Brene Brown coined the term “shame resilience” and she has authored a number of excellent books that are relevant to developing shame resilience. Here is a list of the books that Brown has written that touch on shame/shame-resilience (as well as a TED Talk):
- I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame (2007)
- Connections: A 12-Session Psychoeducational Shame-Resilience Curriculum (2009)
- The Gifts of Imperfection (2010)
- Men, Women and Worthiness: The Experience of Shame and Power of Being Enough (2012)
- The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections and Courage (2013)
- Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone (2017)
- "Listening to Shame" TED Talk (March 2012)
You can order these titles from any number of black-owned bookstores.
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